Daily POTUS Horoscope

Alexandra Reinecke, Art and Literature Editor

Welcome to Your Daily POTUS Horoscope TM, where we use Russian counterintelligence and apple pie made right here in the U.S. of A. to chart the stars and deliver you the most accurate reading possible on the interwebs, today, free of charge.

Jan 22nd: Your tact for preposterous claims, abuse of statistics and fear-mongering imagery will prove themselves particularly strong today as your sun-sign and moon sphere align to strengthen your talent for arrogance –not that you need the help! This alignment will ensure your speech resonates with hundreds of angry Americans who are feeling a bit blue about all the hardworking immigrants they actually have to get up out of bed to compete with. Your hatred will prove a powerful reprieve.

Jan 23rd: Beware (or don’t beware) as Saturn makes a trip into your moon-arc today, a positioning which encourages errors that would happen in any other moon-arc, such as the misquoting of a religious text with which you have no experience (2 Corinthians, amirite?). Sagittarius would do well to stay indoors and out of public scrutiny, where such alignment is sure to make one falter.

Jan 24th: The sun is in your 4th house today, which means it is the perfect day on which to rekindle past friendships or show appreciation for those you hold dearest. Isn’t there anyone you’re interested in sending chocolates to? A special sweetheart by the name of Vladimir? Given the sun alignment, a safe majority of your voter base would consider the delivering of a gift basket of Trump Steaks to the residence of a certain B. Netanyahu advisable. (That thing you think is a fiery hot ball in the sky and which your supporters similarly call ‘the Son’ can’t rise again without Israel!)

Jan 23rd: As the sun moves out of your fourth house, a climate conducive to friendship shifts to one in which reinstating the ban on federal funding for abortion services in countries overseas is a wise decision.

Jan 24th: Given the moon’s rare half-eclipse, the opportunity to build a pipeline which may or may not go by the name of Dakota, Access, couldn’t be greater. (You know what your moon sign always says: when you can’t build a wall, build a pipeline! You only live once. Unless you’re POTUS. Then you live on in the history textbooks for about as long as it takes to style your hair to the power of how many years older you are than your wife.)

Thank you for using Your Daily POTUS Horoscope TM. Note: All actions undertaken at the direction of one’s Daily Reading are undertaken at the mobile app owner’s own discretion (or indiscretion.)

Your Daily POTUS Horoscope TM can not and will not be held responsible in a court of law for any of the following consequences of such direction, including but not limited to: the pavement-heating anger of a thinking liberal America, the development of a full scale nuclear “We’re not enemies, we’re just friendly competitors” arms race with Russia, a forceful dissolution of the two-state agreement, a forceful disillusion of the established Constitutional boundaries between religion and state, a ten-fold increase of children born into poverty, Barron Trump’s rejection from the University of Pennsylvania regardless of the user’s attempts to build a library, the re-institution of British rule over the United States, the rapid melting of polar ice caps etc. etc.