Breaking Dawn Feeds Fan Fetish

Reasons not to see Breaking Dawn: a human drinks blood (through a straw!), Taylor Lautner is clothed the majority of the time, and an intense birth scene may trigger epileptic seizures.

Although these are but a few of many complaints railed against the penultimate Twilight installment, Twihards and casual fans alike will not be entirely disappointed.

If you have no access to computers, libraries, human beings, or if you simply have no soul, be prepared to burst from the knowledge that Bella and Edward get married. Bella’s sleek, modern gown is currently available for the general public’s purchase; fandom girls copying their idol’s look will, however, undoubtedly make their wedding guests just as uncomfortable as Bella’s must have been during her excruciatingly long “first kiss.”

Also, be shocked to discover that Bella has a child. During her rather gruesome pregnancy, (during which, yes, she drinks blood to feed the half-vampirical baby) the newlywed just looks…terrible. Bella’s hauntingly pallid, emaciated frame renders her appearance disturbingly akin to that of the fetus she carries. Note to anorexics: don’t try to look like Bella. It’s not pretty.

The whole birthing scene, it’s blood and screams already capable of incapacitating the squeamish, has also been reported to induce violent epileptic seizures. Directors: added drama is not always good for viewer experience.

Despite marginally improved acting and a generally more “adult” feel, the movie is ruined by the knowledge that it is not the last. Even though the fourth book of the Twilight series could have been made into one movie –albeit, one with less sex and fewer mournful skyward gazes– Breaking Dawn Part 1 has a perfect ending that is only be spoiled by the story’s continuation in another film.