In the 21st century, during fourth wave feminism, we hear more often than ever that all bodies are beautiful; that every curve, every edge, every blemish is a story and image of beauty. Yet, no matter how many times the words are said, no matter how many times the empowering message is reposted, it still remains difficult to believe. Or rather, difficult to let ourselves accept. Instead of grounding us, those words can make us feel guilty. Why don’t I love my body the way I should? Why can’t I get rid of the voice in my head telling me what I see in the mirror will never be enough? Why do I believe I’m not enough to be loved?
At the end of the day, it comes down to love: self-love, self-esteem, and love we either think we do or don’t deserve from others. For females specifically, often beauty standards become a way to slowly erode or straight up prevent the development of healthy self-esteem and self-love. And to reiterate all the difficult-to-accept words – we all seem to irrationally put on the back burner or toss in the flames when it seems a mockery rather than a motto – these standards are built to look like pillars of the earth, when really they are a sand castle ready to be swept away at dusk.
Regardless, the sand castle calls to us, tells us it holds our crown, ready to make us “Queen”. But, if we become “Queen,” if we accomplish the 17 inch Scarlett O’Hara waist, if our hair shines like the sun, if we could strut the runway in stilettos with legs like Zendaya, we’d soon realize our wrists have always been tied to the throne that gave us our power.
Beauty is power. Following social norms set by beauty standards can bring individuals status. They may be more likely to be respected, accepted, and listened to because people are in awe with the glorious image they curated that is Disney princess perfection. People feel comfortable with images that are familiar and “normal” and they are more likely to follow those “normal” yet “beautiful” people they aspire to be alike. But what is power when we lose ourselves in it? Is it even power if the image we promote and the voice we speak has been sculpted by a perpetual patriarchy?
So ultimately, how do we find and create our own definition of beauty so the power, the voice, the image, is one that we can be proud of? That is our mission. First, before we can talk about redefining beauty and finding ways to genuinely embrace a different perspective in constructive terms, we have to pull ourselves up to sea level – because we can’t talk while we’re drowning.
Let’s start with our food culture. Food is supposed to bring people together, foster community, carry on legacy, and at its most rudimentary level, sustain our bodies. Yet for many girls food is met with contradictory instincts. We have an instinct to feed ourselves, but also an instinct to follow others – even to the extent of those impossible standards.
Junior Shira Ayalon said “It’s a hard thing to accept, that you’re not someone else who’s in your mind, who’s better than you, prettier than you, skinnier than you.” She added that especially in public settings “There’s a lot of stigma and judgement around eating. It’s like ‘Oh are you really going to eat that right now?’…A piece of pizza versus a salad, which decision are you gonna make…At the end of the day we all have days where we’re really healthy and we all have days where we’re not, and those are both important.”
Often in a social gathering, one may hear multiple girls at some point or another talking about feeling fat, saying they ate way too much, pointing out the extra weight they’ve been noticing on their abdomen.
“I know people joke around and say ‘I’m such a biggie’ or whatever” said a student who prefers to remain anonymous (will from here forward be referred to as “Student X”). Ayalon similarly said “I hear people saying ‘Oh my god I’m so bloated, I need to change my shirt’…We preach body positivity but when it actually comes down to people in your life, it’s unacceptable to be anything other than skinny and perfect.”
After a meal, rarely will someone saying “That was really good” be sufficient. It always has to be closely followed by “I’m so fat right now” or “I can’t believe I ate that much” almost to apologize for enjoying themselves, the food, and the necessary feeding of their bodies. Really, it’s crazy we feel we have to apologize for any of that.
Food should be simple: you eat when you’re hungry and stop eating once you’re full. We all know this isn’t how it works, however. And sometimes, people stray so far off the biological path that disease sets in. Body dysmorphia, anorexia, bulimia – Oftentimes, these diseases aren’t shared with the class, rather they’re bricks that fill backpacks and weigh heavy on shoulders that have internalized the idea that they were meant to hike alone.
Student X shared, “Unfortunately I dealt with and still deal with a really bad eating disorder…like going to the doctor three times every week, tracking my weight…” They added, “My mom struggled with it a lot growing up and that’s why she’s so small…It’s hard to communicate with my mom because she’s the same way, it’s intergenerational.” Student X explains, “It’s just weird because the only person who knows about this is my boyfriend…It’s hard to tell people you love who’ve never been through it before and have them be like ‘Everything’s gonna be okay.’”
It’s important we continue trying to shift our culture. Unless it’s prescribed by a doctor, we don’t need to be counting calories in high school. Our bodies are growing, developing, and changing by the day. Even though we’re uncomfortable and fearful about how we’re going to turn out, remember that everyone is. Everyone has insecurities. Just because the supermodel is a double zero with long, dark lashes and pouty red lips, doesn’t mean she likes what she sees in the dressing room.
“Beauty is being comfortable with yourself. I think once people really step into who they’re supposed to be, not who other people say they’re supposed to be, then you can find a whole other side of beauty to yourself,” said Ayalon. Senior Ella Kalpakjian shared, “I don’t really want to focus too much on how people look. The people that I actually enjoy being around and who I find beautiful. They’re people who are nice to me and who I see being kind and respectful to other people.”
Let’s lean on each other in the moments when our insecurities seem to be encroaching too far on our ability to love ourselves. Let’s help each other learn how to love. One of the great people and feminists of our time, Bell Hooks, adopted this definition of love: “The will to extend one’s self for the purpose of nurturing one’s own or another’s spiritual growth.”
When you go out with your friends, maybe consider not making the “I’m so fat” comment. Feed your body until it tells you it’s full. “I wish people didn’t talk about bodies as much. It’s sort of like grades, you don’t need to be talking about your weight and stuff with other people all the time because I think that just inevitably will lead to comparisons” said Kalakjian. “People can compare women when there’s nothing to compare, if that’s just how your body is made. No matter how many sit ups or crunches or minutes on the StairMaster you do, you are who you are. I would say you can be authentically yourself without getting mad at other women for being what is in your mind perfection” said Ayalon.
Student X suggests when thoughts begin spiraling, “Try to take your mind off it by doing something you love.” They also said “Honestly if you’re feeling down, journal it. I know journaling is hard but if you write out all of your feelings about how you feel about yourself, you can [deter] compartmentalizing it in your brain.”
Of course, all of it is easier said than done. So talking about the insecurities, remembering we’re never alone in our battles, might help us realize we don’t have to pick up the sword the world tells us to. We can walk off the field and remember that the sword doesn’t define us. Our beauty is our love. We aren’t each other's enemies, we are each others’ shield, we protect one another, we can run from the open grass to the woods for a free life. To girls everywhere, for ourselves and for each other, you are worthy of love – and that includes your own.
