Make Meaning for Yourself

It wasn’t until my sophomore year that I had my first panic attack. I was running on 5 hours of sleep with the knowledge that I had 8 hours of homework and a 4-hour tennis match ahead of me.

Of course, other factors can contribute to panic attacks, such as harassment from bullies, disagreement with friends or parents, or simple accidents. After breaking some things in my room once, my father bought me a punching bag to relieve my frustration.

Panic attacks are more than just a feeling of frustration however; they are horrible because you feel like you’re suffocating, as if the things bothering you are actually strangling you.

Yet, even panic attacks are nothing compared to the Existential Crisis.

Made famous by YouTuber Dan Howell, an Existential Crisis is a crisis of existence.  It is the moment when you ask yourself: why am I here?  Why am I alive?

According to Howell, an Existential Crisis consists of: “falling through a spiral of thoughts on fun topics such as: the inevitability of death, the crushing loneliness of realizing all human beings inherently are and will die alone, the absurd meaninglessness of the universe and that, as far as we know, there is no reason for and/or purpose to existence.”

So how did I get to the point where I was questioning my very existence?

Currently, sophomores are working on a career project and at least half of my classmates seem to be studying for one AP exam or another.

These two challenges make me anxious. I’ve been placed into a career category that doesn’t fit and the careers I’ve been researching seem totally incongruous with who I am.  Yet, here I am, faced with the prospect of choosing a path that will determine much of the rest of my life.

Howell describes a similar problem: “For me, it was the fear of freedom. This is the idea that when you realize you’re in total control of your life and you have the power to do anything that you want to do — which sounds great, liberating and inspiring — it’s also terrifying. As it means, at some point, you have to decide what you are doing with your one, terribly short, human life. What are your goals? What are your dreams? What do you want to achieve by the time you die? I don’t know what the goal is… to change the world? To just live a quiet unassuming life where I’m simply content with my existence? I don’t know.”

Like Howell, I am paralyzed by the prospect that my actions in the present may have catastrophic consequences for my future.

Say I don’t do well on the AP Exam. Won’t this impact my future by narrowing my opportunities? You have to succeed in school now if you want to have a sustainable livelihood when you’re older.  I feel compelled to disregard my interests and focus on a future career that will keep me fed and sheltered.

I know I can’t pass AP Calculus, so won’t this disqualify me from a career as a doctor?

I love writing, but can I find gainful employment as a writer?

It seems that being a police detective or working for the FBI are my only options. I’m not smart enough to be a lawyer or a doctor. But I don’t know if dealing with criminals will make me happy.

And thus, my Existential Crisis.

Is it more important to be wealthy or happy? Is there a career I might be good at? Is there a career I might be content with? Why try in school when I’ll probably be stuck working at McDonalds? And if that is the case, then why am I here at all?

Life may be a fluke, but in a universe without meaning, we must create meaning for ourselves. That’s what I’ve realized now that I’ve lived through this harrowing ordeal.

While we may not have the power to change the world, we do have power over ourselves and how we perceive the small part of the world in which we exist.

Dan Howell wisely said, “You are a human with 1 life and it is up to you to make it the best life you can.”